Breezeblock's den of iniquity

Update on the boy's condition

Fri, 06 Oct 2006 13:17:56 GMT

He's ok!

In fact the speed he is healing at is truly amazing. He looked like the elephant man's uglier brother on Tuesday but now apart from a black eye and a long scab down the left side of his face he looks almost normal. Other injuries are torn muscles in his neck and shoulder and he has only sprained his ankle, not broken it. He came out of hospital on wednesday and is now living it up at home stuck in front of the idiot box watching Jetix and Kerrang for the next fortnight.

Went to see the headmaster on Tuesday. Predictably he waded into a long spiel detailing the how the wonderful staff looked after Jack from the moment he hit the ground until the moment the ambulance arrived. I let him drone on for about two minutes before I got bored and asked the obvious question - The conversation from then went something like this:

Head:"Well, He climbed up to fetch his ball"

Me:"And how did he manage that?"

H:"He used the CCTV pole."

FX: * sound of footsteps me and head walk to where he fell off the roof *

The roof is flat and about 12 foot (4 Metres) high. Bolted to the wall is a 20 foot tall oactagonal shaped pole about 6 inches in diameter. It is fixed at its base to a huge square bracket attached to the wall about 4 foot from the ground. There is a further bracket at 8 foot from the ground and then the pole extends upwards with a "Crown of thorns" arrangement of spikes to stop anyone climbing the pole and getting to the camera. It is a ready-made ladder to the roof. I reckon that even *I* could climb up it with no problmes

M:"So, which fuckwit designed this then?"

H:"Well, we need CCTV coverage for...."

M:"I am aware of that! What I want to know is which idiot came up with the idea of bolting a pole to the side of the wall when you could just as easily have had a free standing pole in the corner of the playgraound that would have given you better coverage and would not have doubled as a ladder for the kids to climb?!"

H:"Well, we are not happy with the architect who designed the school with such a low roof and..."

M:"Woah! Hold it right there mate! *I* attended this school for five bloody years! *I* kicked and hit many a football and tennis ball onto the roof of this school! How many times did I climb up on to the roof to get them back? None! And do you know why I didn't climb on to the roof? because I couldn't! I would have needed a bloody ladder! Since then you have thoughtfully provided such a ladder with your bloody CCTV cameras!"

H:"Yes but the children have been told not to climb onto the roo..."

M:"They are kids for fuck's sake! Telling them is not good enough! If telling kids to not play in the road was good enough why is there a 20 mph speed limit outside the school?"

H:"There are warning notices and anti-climb paint..."

M:"ANTI-CLIMB PAINT?!?!?! Since when has a kid cared about getting paint on their fucking school uniform? Their parents might complain but the kids dont give a shit!"

H:"I understand your frustration as I have got children of my own..."

M:"Do NOT try and patronize me! I can remember a couple of months ago listening to you making a very pretty speech to all of us parents with kids attending this school for the first time. In that speech you said that our children's safety and security is paramount..."

H:"Of course it is paramount, I..."

M:"Is it? I gave you a perfectly healthy boy to look after yesterday morning and when you returned him to me he was broken. Very broken! And he could very easily have been very dead. You call that safe and secure?"

H:"But I have the welfare of 1100 children to consid..."

M:"I dont give a flying fuck about 1100 children! My *only* concern is the one child I have lying in a hospital bed with a very serious head injury because you cant seem to provide a safe environement for him to be educated in!"

H:"Of course it is safe! But if Jack want to flout the rules and climb up then there is..."

M:"Yes, he's a naughty boy and if it were not illegal to do so i'd take my belt across his arse when he has recovered! That does not change the fact that he was allowed to climb up on to the roof..."

H:"He was NOT allowed to cl..."

M:"WELL WHO FUCKING STOPPED HIM THEN?!?! Where were the playground supervisors that provided such wonderful care after he was injured while he was climbing up? Why is there a CCTV pole bolted to the wall positively inviting kids to climb it? How long has it been since climbing on the roof was impossible to having to put up signs and anti-climb paint because you cant stop the little bastards from climbing up on the roof?"

H:"Well, I will have to discuss it with the council but we could look at putting shielding around the CCTV pole so that it could not be used to climb. But it will be a question of funding."

M:"Oh dont worry about funding mate. I am going to be starting legal proceedings claiming that your school has been negligent in the care of my son and his injuries are a direct result of that negligence. That CCTV pole is going to work out to be a hell of a lot more expensive than you first thought. I am also debating letting the local paper know the details. I will see myself off the grounds. Good morning!"

BTW, Both Jack and I thank you all for the well wishes :o)

"You stupid boy!"

Mon, 02 Oct 2006 18:47:28 GMT

In my best Captain Mainwaring voice.

The boy kicked his football on to the roof of the school today.

The boy climbed up onto the roof and rescued his football.

The boy missed his footing while climbing down

The boy faceplanted the pavement from 11 feet in the air.

The boy is very lucky to be alive - two small areas of bruising on his brain, a fractured cheekbone, major concussion and possibly a busted ankle. When I first saw him at the hospital he was slipping in and out of consciousness and did not recognize me or the missus. That scared the living shit out of both of us. Fortunately after a couple of hours he came round and recognized us. He has no recollection of what happened tho'.

Tomorrow I am going to have a chat with the Headmaster. First item on the agenda is going to be how an 11 year old boy managed to climb onto the roof of his school. The second item will probably involve me recreating Jack's injuries on the headmaster with a baseball bat.

I am not a happy camper.

More memeage from Salegamine

Fri, 15 Sep 2006 15:21:32 GMT

WHAT MADE YOU SMILE YESTERDAY?
Someones sig on a forum I frequent: "Some people are like slinkys - not really good for anything but you can't help smiling when you push them down the stairs!"

WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT 8 THIS MORNING?
Sleeping - i'm on holiday this week

WHAT WERE YOU DOING 15 MINUTES AGO?#
eating popcorn

SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED TO YOU IN 1995?
Got a job at Hardy Spicer

LAST THING YOU SAID ALOUD?
"She's in the bath shaving her flange 'cos she's going swimming tonight with Steph". Phone call from Peg's sister Helen wanting to talk to Peg

HOW MANY DIFFERENT THINGS DID YOU DRINK TODAY?
3: Tea, beer and diet Pepsi

WHERE IS YOUR BEST FRIEND(S) RIGHT NOW?
at work

LAST THING YOU BOUGHT?
12 tins of Humbrol enamel paint, a tube of polystyrene cement and two modelling paint brushes. The boy was brought an Airfix kit from a friend.

LAST GIFT YOU RECEIVED FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Band Of Brothers boxset of DVDs

WHAT COLOR IS YOUR FRONT DOOR?
white upvc

WHERE DO YOU KEEP YOUR CHANGE?
if it's not in my pocket it's fallen out of my pocket.

WHAT'S THE WEATHER LIKE TODAY?
loveley and sunny. unlike yesterday when it pissed down all day.

BEST ICE CREAM FLAVOR?
pistashio

SOMETHING YOU ARE EXCITED ABOUT?
Martin O'Neill managing the Villa and Randy Lerner buying the villa

LAST RAINBOW YOU SAW?
'Bout two weeks ago outside our front door

WHAT SIZE SHOE DO YOU WEAR?
10 (44 euro size I think)

ARE YOU VERY RANDOM?
Absolutely Clarence!

ARE YOU OVER THE AGE OF 25?
Oh yeah! :o(

DO YOU TALK A LOT?
Not really

DO YOU WATCH THE OC?
I rarely watch the TV!

DOES YOUR SCREEN NAME HAVE AN '' X '' IN IT?
No but it's got a "Z". Does that count?

DO YOU KNOW ANYONE CALLED STEVE?
yup.

DO YOU MAKE UP YOUR OWN WORDS?
Ever tried singing the Sparks hit "This Town Aint Big Enough For Both Of Us" on a karaoke and NOT making up your own words?

ARE YOU TYPICALLY A JEALOUS PERSON?
nope.

NAME A FRIEND WHOSE NAME STARTS WITH THE LETTER "J":
only my son, Jack.

NAME A FRIEND WHOSE NAME STARTS WITH AN "A":
Ant.

4TH PERSON ON YOUR MISSED CALLS?
dont recognize the number - probably a sales call

DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS?
yup

DO YOU HAVE CURLY HAIR?
nope

WHAT IS THE NEXT CONCERT YOU'RE GOING TO?
Scissor Sisters.

WHO IS THE COOLEST PERSON YOU KNOW?
My brother in law Rob. Of course my other brother-in-law Justin is the biggest knob on the planet but hey!

WHAT SAYING DO YOU SAY A LOT?
In a million years who's going to give a fuck?

WHAT IS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
popcorn

HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE DONNIE DARKO?
yep. Three times!

DO YOU HAVE WORK TOMORROW?
Nope *does happy dance*

EVER BEEN HUNTING?
"Be vewwy vewwy qwiet! i'm huntin' wabbits!"

IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE?
no but divorce most definately is!

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID "I LOVE YOU" AND MEANT IT?
1990

WHAT SHOULD YOU BE DOING RIGHT NOW?
bugger all!

DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME?
I'm still called Scarecrow by all the lads from my American Football playing days

DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT?
I believe in lust at first sight!

YOUNGEST PERSON IN YOUR FAMILY?
Rosie.

ARE YOU A HEAVY SLEEPER?
ZZZzzzzzzzzz.

LAST TIME YOU USED A SKATEBOARD?
About 2 days ago. The boy had left his board lying around in the hall. I stood on it accidentally and nearly broke my neck!

WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
"Misery" by Green Day

ARE YOU CURRENTLY DEPRESSED?
Not that I'm aware

WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
Sandra.

Meme from Salegamine

Sun, 10 Sep 2006 19:24:59 GMT

If there is one or more people on your friends list who makes your world a better place just because they exist and who you would not have met (in real life or not) without the internet, then post this same sentence in your journal

Ouch! Ooh! Eek!...

Fri, 01 Sep 2006 11:30:20 GMT

Oof! stoppitt! ok! OK! OK!!! I'll post something, dammit! Just stop with the nudging already! Gordon Bennett, I feel like an ha'penny! :-p

Ok, so I 'aint posted for a long time. But thats 'cos absolutely nothing exciting, interesting, good, bad or indifferent has happened to me! since March! i've managed to avoid going to hospital all summer (woo-hoo!) I'm still pretending to be married, i'm still in the same shitty job, fixing the same shitty computers. I have joined a gym and despite doing 90 mins cardio workout 3 times a week and eating little else but fruit I have not managed to lose or gain any weight. Concerened about this I goes to the doctor who after taking 3 blood tests so far can't decide whether I have diabetes or not.

Other than that, nada! Sorry to be a boring fart. :o(

Who says its a free country?

Fri, 12 May 2006 09:47:09 GMT

Rabid vegetarians get panties in a bunch and censor logical argument! Film at 11!

Article on El Reg

The irony here is that due to this poxy diet i'm damn near a veggie myself. Only allowed oily fish, skinless chicken and extra lean red meat.

Damn, I could murder a bacon sandwich right about now.

Nola's interactive meme

Thu, 06 Apr 2006 09:03:15 GMT

w00t!

Wed, 05 Apr 2006 10:20:59 GMT

I did a favour for someone over xmas. He is a good mate but was suffering from lackofcashitis at the time. No biggie, I just assembled a frankenbox out of spare parts I have lying around my house so that he had something to play on and surf the net with. Seems that person's ship has come in 'cos last night by way of thanks he presented me with Blake's 7 seasons 1, 2 & 3 and Star Trek TOS seasons 1,2 & 3 DVD boxsets. He also told me that he has the final season of Blake's 7 on order and I will get it when it is released at the end of this month. *does happy dance*

So much to watch, so little time to waste sleeping! :o)

And now the moment you've not been waiting for

Mon, 03 Apr 2006 13:01:05 GMT

The answers to the music quiz!

The '50s:
A young cowboy named Billy-Joe grew restless on the farm :Don't take your guns to town - Johnny Cash
Well, shake baby shake, but honey please don't lose it :Move It - Cliff Richard
Even old New York was once New Amsterdam :Istanbul (not Constantinople) - The Four Lads
Yo no soy marinero! :La Bamba - Ritchie Valens
There you go and baby here am I :It doesnt matter anymore - Buddy Holly
Well he sings a song about a crowded hole :King Creole - Elvis Presley
I do not know what fate awaits me, I only know I must be brave :High Noon - Frankie Laine
Work all night on a drink of rum :Banana Boat Song - Harry Belafonte
Fee fee fie fie fo fo fum! I smell smoke in the auditorium! :Charlie Brown - the Coasters
Hey nonny ding dong, alang alang alang :Sh-boom - The Crew Cuts

The '60s:
"I don't want you, I don't need you, I don't love you anymore!" and I'd walk out the door :tower of strength - Frankie Vaughn
You'll hear my voice on the wind across the sand :legend of xanadu - dave dee, dozy, beaky, mick & Titch
Tho' my eyes are open wide she makes my life a dream :Jesamine - The Casuals
well I got down on my knees and I pretend to pray :California Dreaming - Mamas & Pappas
Whatever happened to Tuesday and so slow :Brown Eyed Girl - Van Morrison
I used to think I was living, baby, I was wrong :I'm Alive - The Hollies
Well I'm not bragging babe so don't put me down :Little Deuce Coupe - The Beach Boys
Baby, sometimes I'm so carefree, with a joy that's hard to hide :Dont let me be misunderstood - The Animals
I hope I die before I get old :My Generation - The Who
So I lay upon my side with all the windows open wide :Flowers in the rain - The Move

The '70s:
I've seen the yellow lights go down the Mississippi :Far, Far away - Slade
They took the credit for your second symphony, rewritten by machine on new technology :Video killed the radio star - Buggles
There's no point in asking you'll get no reply, oh just remember I don't decide :Pretty Vacant - The Sex Pistols
Fear me you lord and lady creatures,I descend upon your earth from the skies :Seven Seas of rhye - Queen
I get the same old dreams, same time every night :Since you've been gone - Rainbow
Pretty women out walking with gorillas down my street :Is she really going out with him? Joe Jackson
Wham! bang! mon chat Splash gite sur mon lit a bouffe :Ca plane por moi - Plastic bertrand
We all came out to montreux on the lake Geneva shoreline :Smoke on the water - Deep Purple
Taumatawhakatangihangakoayauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukypokaiwhenuakitanatahu :The Lone Ranger - Quantum Jump
Oh it's been getting so hard livin' with the things you do to me, aha :Ballroom Blitz - Sweet

The '80s:
Bless my cotton socks I'm in the news! :Reward - The Teardrop Explodes
I’ve saved a little bit of money from christmas gone an' with my birthday nearly due :Fireball XL5 - Madness
At the tender age of three I was hooked to a machine just to keep my mouth from spouting junk :Hyperactive - Thomas Dolby
From nine to five I have to spend my time at work, my job is very boring I'm an office clerk :Echo Beach - Martha & the Muffins
I've got a picture of me and you, you wrote "I love you" I wrote "me too" :Turning Japanese - The Vapours
Joseph Stalin, Malenkov, Nasser and Prokofiev, Rockefeller, Campanella, Communist Bloc :We didn't start the fire - Billy Joel
Call it new technology and they use it to burn - and they show no concern :The Circus - Erasure
You wanna stay out with your fancy friends, I'm telling you it's go to be the end :Don't bring me down - ELO
Ivor says we must pay I am the judge for the Judgement day :Einstein a go go - Landscape
Ayrton Senna's got the voice of a tenor, Peter Snow sings very low :John Ketley is a weatherman - A tribe of toffs.

The '90s:
Don't you think it's funny that nothing's what it seems when you're not looking forward? :Size of a cow - The Wonderstuff
Naughty, naughty! very naughty! :Ebeneezer Goode - The Shamen
There's dancing behind movie scenes, behind the movie scenes :Brimful of Asha - Cornershop
When I was only seventeen my head was full of brilliant dreams :walking on the milky way - OMD
Take me to the place where you go where nobody knows if it's night or day :Don't look back in anger - Oasis
Well now me love how she shock, watch how she rock, body it a swing like me grandfather clock :Oh Carolina - Shaggy
Some days I just pray to the God of Sex and Drums and Rock 'N Roll :I would do anything for love - Meatloaf
Is happiness real or am I so jaded? :Changing man - Paul weller
Computer terminals report some gains on the value of copper and tin :Nothing ever happens - Del Amitri
She came from Greece she had a thirst for knowledge, She studied sculpture at St. Martin's College :Common People - Pulp

The '00s:
And it must have been so bad cos' living with me must have damn near killed you :How You remind me - Nickelback
King of the forty theives and I'm here to represent the needle in the vein of the establishment :St. Jimmy - Green Day
She left me roses by the stairs, surprises let me know she cares :all the small things - Blink 182
The future teaches you to be alone, the present to be afraid and cold :If you tolerate this - MSP
They say that I must learn to kill before I can feel safe :In the shadows - The Rasmus
When the truth is found to be lies and all the joy within you dies :Somebody to love - The Boogie Pimps
I'm a classy honey kissy huggy lovey dovey ghetto princess :Filthy/gorgeous - Scissor Sisters
Laying back, head on the grass, children grown having some laughs :Dakota - Stereophonics
You've got to press it on you. You'll just be thinking That's what you do, baby :Dare - Gorrilaz
I felt the earth beneath my feet, sat by the river and it made me complete :Somewhere only we know - Keane

Never mind the great rock 'n roll swindle,

Wed, 29 Mar 2006 14:02:31 GMT

Here's the bollocks!

So, I have noticed a few lyrics quizzes floating around. I might as well add to the fun

The '50s:
1) A young cowboy named Billy-Joe grew restless on the farm
2) Well, shake baby shake, but honey please don't lose it
3) Even old New York was once New Amsterdam
4) Yo no soy marinero!
5) There you go and baby here am I
6) Well he sings a song about a crowded hole
7) I do not know what fate awaits me, I only know I must be brave
8) Work all night on a drink of rum
9) Fee fee fie fie fo fo fum! I smell smoke in the auditorium!
10) Hey nonny ding dong, alang alang alang

The '60s:
1) "I don't want you, I don't need you, I don't love you anymore!" and I'd walk out the door
2) You'll hear my voice on the wind across the sand
3) Tho' my eyes are open wide she makes my life a dream
4) well I got down on my knees and I pretend to pray
5) Whatever happened to Tuesday and so slow
6) I used to think I was living, baby, I was wrong
7) Well I'm not bragging babe so don't put me down
8) Baby, sometimes I'm so carefree, with a joy that's hard to hide
9) I hope I die before I get old
10) So I lay upon my side with all the windows open wide

The '70s:
1) I've seen the yellow lights go down the Mississippi
2) They took the credit for your second symphony, rewritten by machine on new technology
3) There's no point in asking you'll get no reply, oh just remember I don't decide
4) Fear me you lord and lady creatures,I descend upon your earth from the skies
5) I get the same old dreams, same time every night
6) Pretty women out walking with gorillas down my street
7) Wham! bam! mon chat Splash gite sur mon lit a bouffe
8) We all came out to montreux on the lake Geneva shoreline
9) Taumatawhakatangihangakoayauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukypokaiwhenuakitanatahu
10) Oh it's been getting so hard livin' with the things you do to me, aha!

The '80s:
1) Bless my cotton socks I'm in the news!
2) I’ve saved a little bit of money from christmas gone an' with my birthday nearly due
3) At the tender age of three I was hooked to a machine just to keep my mouth from spouting junk
4) From nine to five I have to spend my time at work, my job is very boring I'm an office clerk
5) I've got a picture of me and you, you wrote "I love you" I wrote "me too"
6) Joseph Stalin, Malenkov, Nasser and Prokofiev, Rockefeller, Campanella, Communist Bloc
7) Call it new technology and they use it to burn - and they show no concern
8) You wanna stay out with your fancy friends, I'm telling you it's go to be the end
9) Ivor says we must pay I am the judge for the Judgement day
10) Ayrton Senna's got the voice of a tenor, Peter Snow sings very low

The '90s:
1) Don't you think it's funny that nothing's what it seems when you're not looking forward?
2) Naughty, naughty! very naughty!
3) There's dancing behind movie scenes, behind the movie scenes
4) When I was only seventeen my head was full of brilliant dreams
5) Take me to the place where you go where nobody knows if it's night or day
6) Well now me love how she shock, watch how she rock, body it a swing like me grandfather clock
7) Some days I just pray to the God of Sex and Drums and Rock 'N Roll
8) Is happiness real or am I so jaded?
9) Computer terminals report some gains on the value of copper and tin
10) She came from Greece she had a thirst for knowledge, She studied sculpture at St. Martin's College

The '00s:
1) And it must have been so bad cos' living with me must have damn near killed you
2) King of the forty thieves and I'm here to represent the needle in the vein of the establishment
3) She left me roses by the stairs, surprises let me know she cares
4) The future teaches you to be alone, the present to be afraid and cold
5) They say that I must learn to kill before I can feel safe
6) When the truth is found to be lies and all the joy within you dies
7) I'm a classy honey kissy huggy lovey dovey ghetto princess
8) Laying back, head on the grass, children grown having some laughs
9) You've got to press it on you. You'll just be thinking That's what you do, baby
10) I felt the earth beneath my feet, sat by the river and it made me complete

Please note that all songs here are on my full playlist. Yes, even number 10 of the '80's. (Gods but i'm a sad muppet!) ~~Great~~ care has been taken to confirm that the year the song was released in the UK corresponds to the decade in which it is in. Sorta. Posts will be screened for a couple of days until I post the answers.

Enjoy! :o)

Memage

Tue, 28 Mar 2006 13:38:58 GMT

Shamelessly robbed from Nin-man

The Rules:
1. You can only say YES or NO!
2. You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING unless someone replies and asks!

Taken a picture naked? : Yes
Made out with a member of the same sex? : No
Danced in front of your mirror? : Yes
Told a lie? : Yes
Gotten in a car with people you just met? : No
Been in a fist fight? : Yes
Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back? : Yes
Been arrested? : Yes
Left your house without telling your parents? : Yes
Ditched school to do something more fun? : No
Slept in a bed with a member of the same sex? : No
Seen someone die? : Yes
Kissed a picture? : No
Slept in until 3? : Yes
Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? : Yes
Played dress up? : Yes
Fallen asleep at work/school? : Yes
Felt an earthquake? : Yes
Touched a snake? : Yes
Ran a red light? : Yes
Had detention? : Yes
Been in a car accident? : Yes
Pole danced? : No
Been lost? : Yes
Sang karaoke? : Yes
Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? : Yes
Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? : Yes
Caught a snowflake on your tongue? : Yes
Kissed in the rain? : Yes
Sang in the shower? : Yes
Got your tongue stuck to a pole? : No
Ever gone to school partially naked? : No
Sat on a roof top? : Yes
Played chicken? : Yes
Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? : Yes
Been told you're hot by a complete stranger? : No
Broken a bone? : Yes
Mooned/flashed someone? : Yes
Forgotten someone's name? : Yes
Slept naked? : Yes
Blacked out from drinking? : Yes
Played a prank on someone? : Yes
Felt like killing someone? : Yes
Made a parent cry? : Yes
Cried over someone? : Yes
Had sex more than 5 times in one day? : No
Had/Have a dog? : Yes
Been in a band? : No
Drank 25 sodas in a day? : No
Shot a gun? : Yes

Hello all. Yes, I am still alive...

Thu, 23 Mar 2006 15:42:23 GMT

despite the best efforts of the National Health Service and ~~Good~~ Abandon Hope hospital!

I have had an interesting couple of months spent inside the above paragon of healthcare. Well, interesting if you happen to be a medical student - personally I was bored fucking witless most of the time. The rest of the time I spent in screaming agony, wishing somebody would shoot me in the face.

Do you want to hear the story? You DO?!?

The Prologue:
It all started with a stomach ache. Well, actually it started with me forgetting my vow to get private healthcare after my little bout of pneumonia before christmas. "There is plenty of time for me to sort out private medical! I mean, that was the first time I have spent more than 24 hours in hospital in my life! What are the chances of having to go back there?!?"

Oh how the gods of cruel fate laughed when they heard me say that!

Then came the stomach ache. It was not a bad stomach ache, more like a grumbly stabbing pain in my right side. But it didn't go away. The missus told me that I had got appendicitis and told me to go to the hospital. "No I aint!" says I, ever the abject coward.
"Yes you have!" she retorts in her "I work in a doctors surgery and you will bow down to my leet medical skillz" voice. "Go to the hospital!"

So, off I poddle and after much poking and prodding of my blubber the quack proclaims that I have appendicitis. It will have to come out! The operation is scheduled for tomorrow morning - dont eat anything!

Next day I am carted off to the operating theatre and drugged into oblivion. I come round two hours later feeling like I had just played a particularly brutal game of rugby. Fucking OW! Nurses smiling and telling me everything is OK so I go to sleep and wake up at tea time. I am hungry and very thirsty so they give me a sandwich and coffee which I devour. 30 minutes later I am projectile vomiting the whole lot all over the place. And when I say "projectile" I mean projectile. like five feet away! Nurses dont bat an eyelid just clean it all up. Next morning they ask me if I want breakfast. Nope - stomach now aches 100% worse on top of the operation damage. "No matter" they say, "Everythings fine - we will let you go home this evening!"

10:00 am and chief nursie type bitch appears and says "We need this bed" so they send me home even though I have not eaten anything and certainly have not managed to have a crap! I wince my way off the ward and my dad comes to take me home. I have some salad for lunch and manage to hold it down. About 18:00 I have and evening meal. I'm not feeling too clever after this so I go and have a sleep. An hour later I am in a world of pain. I have projectile vomited everything I had eaten and drank that day and my guts felt like they were being minced. I am screaming and crying like a baby. Missus calls an ambulance which carts me back to the hospital I was dischrged from 8 hours before. They pump me full of painkillers which have no effect and cart me off to x-ray. There they discover that the surgical monkey who did my appendectomy had managed to twist my bowel so that nothing was going to pass through it. Then they shove a pipe called an "NG tube" down my nose and into my stomach (this experience jumped straight in to the number one slot of "evil things I have had done to me which I never want to be repeated") which instantly starts to pump out a horrible brown smelly gunge. Yum. Then they attach a drip to my arm. At this point I am thinking that I had reached the limit. Nothing could be worse than I am currntly going through. Then they bring out the cathater. Oh fuck! They shove this great big rubber tube straight down the hole in my cock! YEOOOOOWW!!! This experience instantly knocking the NG tube insertion off the No.1 slot of "evil things I have had done to me which I never want to be repeated" Finally they cart me off to a ward and leave me there.

I am now in a ward of 6 people. I am eating out of a drip in my left arm, pissing into a bag via a tube shoved up my tadger and shitting into another bag via another tube which has been shoved up my nose. They left me like that for a week. Save for the daily bed bath and my mp3 player my entire entertainment consists of watching the brown gunk ooze its way out of my nose and down the tube. A week goes by. Gradually the brown gunge changes colour and turns first to a drab green and then to a bright green with black and white stars. This seems to excite the doctors who had been coming in all week and cheering me up by saying things like "if this doesnt improve we will have to open you up and take out the colic".

A week later they remove the NG tube and catheter and ther was much rejoicing. Mainly by me! They put me on a fluids-only diet for a few days which is great seeing as I heve not eaten or drunk anything for two weeks. Then they let me eat. Woohoo! Bodily functions slowly return to normal and after almost 3 weeks they let me out. The good news is that I am nearly 2 stone lighter than when I went in.

I managed to stay out of hospital for another 6 days and then the same thing happened. Projectile vomiting and stomach pain. I had had a relapse. Back to the hospital, in with the NG tube, in with the catheter (OWOWOWOW!), in with the drip. Down to CT scan. This time my bowels were not twisted. The had stuck to the appendectomy scar tissue. The NG tube and catheter only stayed in for a couple of days and they released me a week later. that was a week ago. Today is my first day at work since the end of January and I never thought I would say it but by the gods I am glad to be here!

Suppose i'd better do an update

Tue, 20 Dec 2005 19:05:55 GMT

What's been happening over the last couple of months in Breezeblock's world? Had a cracking holiday in Tenerife. Looked at the holiday snaps and nearly shat myself when I saw just how much of a fat bastard I was. Vowed to go on a diet. Joined "Slimming World". Lost 2 and a half stone so far (w00t!) and finally I celebrated not smoking for a whole year by catching pneumonia and coming far too fucking close to dying for comfort. Fuck me, what a year I have had! :o(

Has it been THAT long since I updated?

Tue, 06 Sep 2005 03:10:32 GMT

Oops!

Well, in my defence I have been a tad busy since they gave me a shitload of brand new servers at work all running an unfamiliar OS and told me to administer 'em all on my own. Of course I dont get a payrise to reflect this; "Hey, Windows NT4 admin? Windows 2003 and Citrix admin? Whats the difference? You dont need no training - you're a smart guy, you'll pick it up!" Yeesh! :o( Google has most definately been my friend the last couple of months!

Anyway, I have finally got enough of a handle on it to be able to take a holiday. Yay! We are off to Tenerife in about 9 hours. I got me bucket and spade packed and i'm so excited I cant sleep hence me posting this at 03:45 BST. The last time I took a holiday I broke my coccyx so there will be no playing sillybuggers this time! Just sun, sea and copious quantities of falling-down water. :o)

I'm chuffed and extremely relieved that NOLAWitch dodged Katrina. Some of the news footage they were showing got me really worried.

Subject? we don' need no steenkin' subject!

Thu, 14 Jul 2005 21:11:24 GMT

Well, it's been a while since I updated. Since I decided to go on holiday some bastards blew up a bit of London and some other bastards threatened to blow up Brum. What precicely did you achieve? killed a few commuters? Bravo! I'm sure the world is now cowering before the might of the suicide bomber! fucktards!

Sitting here in the drunken torpor that I currently find myself in I just thought of a way to stop suicide bombers. Or at least Muslim suicide bombers. How? S'easy! Seems that "Mustapha Dynamite-Weskit" believes that s/he has to be buried in a specific way. The body has to be clean or they cant make it to their afterlife. OK so we make a public statement that anyone committing a suicide bombing will have their remains fed to pigs before being released to their next of kin. Blow yourself up and we'll turn you into pigshit! Sounds like a plan to me. Bastards!

Memeage from The Newt

Wed, 29 Jun 2005 20:59:08 GMT

What slanguage do I speak?

Your Slanguage Profile

British Slang: 100%

Aussie Slang: 50%

Prison Slang: 50%

Victorian Slang: 50%

Canadian Slang: 25%

New England Slang: 25%

Southern Slang: 25%

What Slanguage Do You Speak?

Annnnd....relax!

Wed, 22 Jun 2005 22:00:13 GMT

Ok, so after two days of teething troubles and minor embuggerences (I sent this "net send" to all my users: "The next person to ask me where MY COMPUTER is will die a horrible death! Try clicking the START button.") we are rocking and rolling. Well almost. We now have 150+ users all with e-mail. We have 2 Citrix servers to service up to 50 off-site users. We have AV, SUS and AD servers which all sync with our head office down south. And what do you suppose we are using to tranport all this grunt to and from our head office? A T3 maybe? Nope! One (yes I did say "one", count it!) 512k ADSL line! I shit you not! I am using megabit broadband from home f'r fuck's sake! It takes about 8 minutes to download a 4k text document from our head office servers. I know this 'cos I had to install an app which was stored on our head office servers and the installation instructions were in a 4k text document. The actual app that I had to install was 160 meg!! I started laughing hysterically when the guy who wanted the software installing told me it *HAD* to be done for 9:00 next morning and he would take absolutely no excuses if it was not done on time. He is a funny guy! Still, I didn't have nuffink to do with the comms so i'm not the one who's gonna get the bollocking for that call.

The servers and clients are all up and working. One of the shiny new Cisco Catalyst 3560G switches developed a dead pair of ports which I was seriously dis-chuffed about considering how much those bloody switches cost! I now have the dilemma of "do I simply patch those floorports into different ports and label the ports as dead or do I unpatch and send the switch back to Cisco with a letter of displeasure wrapped around a Mills 37 hand grenade sans pin?" The downside of the RTB option of course is that I have a lovely tidy net patch cabinet with all the patch cables all nice and neat. It is a thing of beauty and to destroy it after only 5 days is just....wrong! To do so would be a profane sin against the gods of IT and I would be forever cursed if I did it.

I only had one client failure out of 90 new client PC's. Well done Dell for a pleasant change. Shame your SX280 seems to have been designed by a cretin tho': "We have an ultra-small footprint PC because we decided to remove the PSU and turn said PSU into a plastic-coated housebrick which you can break your toes on under the desk! Oh, and we decided to do away with those nasty PS/2 ports and go for USB keyboards and mice. Of course, when your neaderthal users pour coffee over them you will have to go and buy new keyboards instead of replacing them with one of the zillion perfectly servicable PS/2 keyboards and mice you have collected over the years in your IT department. And of course there are no PCI slots in the back so if you have any proprietary cards you're fucked! Welcome to Dell!"

And finally The ole' arsebone is feeling pretty good. Despite developing an intimate relationship with the carpet tiles and floorports in the new offices my coccyx did all I asked of it with hardly a grumble. I seem to have retained my ability to heal broken bones in a short time, a gift which I seriously thank the gods for. The move is complete from an IT perspective and I how have lots of shiny new servers to play with. But first I am booking next week off and going on a fishing holiday. :o)

Shamelessly robbed meme from Arienadean. :o)

Mon, 20 Jun 2005 21:00:22 GMT

You scored as Eagle. You are the Eagle. People respect you and for good reason. You are a creative person who likes to do things abstractly. You tend to be a healer, either with yourself or with others.

</td>

Eagle

75%

Deer

75%

Stag

67%

Dog

67%

Wolf

67%

Dragon

58%

Crow

58%

Salmon

58%

Bull

50%

Fox

50%

Snake

50%

Bear

42%

Ram

42%

Horse

25%

Which animal totem best suits you?
created with QuizFarm.

Who says there's no such thing as karma?

Mon, 20 Jun 2005 20:35:35 GMT

In the previous entry I was whinging about smiling boy being a total dick about admin priveliges. Well, my ex-boss who is a top geezer (and he used to be the sysadmin at our old place until he employed me so he could concentrate on coding) was needing to do some data migration only he found that he had no priveliges on one particular server. He asks me to set him up. Of course I say no because I dont have any admin rights myself. He goes and sees smiling boy who asks him to submit a request to the helpdesk. At this my ex-boss goes ballistic and calls the biiiiig boss down south (on a sunday afternoon) asking why we were all sitting on our arses while a helpdesk request to create some fileshares was sitting in a helpdesk queue 200 miles away and that the guy who would service the request was sitting two feet from him. Only the guy who services the requests hasn't been given permissions to do his job. The biiiiig boss does not like to be disturbed on a sunday afternoon. He rings my and smiling boy's current boss (who hasn't seen or even spoken to me for over a week) and gives him a round of fucks. My boss rings me and asks why i'm not doing all the critical admin requests that the programmers need. I say I dont got no access. He rings smiling boy and all of a sudden, as if by magic I have domain admin priveliges. While he is bollocking smiling boy, smiling boy does something twattish and the dev server goes down right in the middle of my ex-bosses 400-odd gig data export which had been running for about 10 hours. My ex-boss goes looking for smiling boy with a length of cat-5e tied in a noose and a nasty glint of homicide in his eyes. He runs smiling boy to earth in the server room and rips into him at the same time as our boss is giving him a bollocking over the phone. Sweet. Being allowed to do my job I got all the clients up and ready to rock and roll for 8:00 this morning. Shame that they couldn't do any work because the data export had to be started from scratch. and the brand new servers were sitting empty. :o)

Very quick update

Sun, 19 Jun 2005 00:05:28 GMT

OK, so it been a little hectic over here for the past couple of weeks. So far I have only had to break down, transport, set up and rebuild 150+ client machines in our shiny new office which hasn't even had the lease signed yet. I am not allowed to attach them to the domain tho'. Oh no, that privelige is reserved for the head office sysadmin whom I have nicknamed "smiling boy" on account of the fact that if he ever were to smile his face would crack and his head would cave in. I have met some miserable gits in my time but this twat takes the biscuit! Anyhoo, smiling boy has decreed that I don't get domain admin rights now that we have joined their domain. This means that I have gone from being a sysadmin on my own domain to an IT literate labourer on head offices'. Joy! I wouldn't mind but not only does smiling boy not have a personality, his admin skills leave shitloads to be desired. We haven't even gone live yet and already the complaints are stacking up: "Why cant I create a new folder on my home drive?" Why wont it let me add the printer that is two feet from me instead of making me use the one 100 yards away?" "Why does it say I don't have permissions to look at my own e-mail?" "Fix it!" they cry. "But I can't!" says I "Yes you can! You could fix it in our old office, why not here?" "You will have to log a call with our helpdesk located over 250 miles away and they will prioritize your call to sometime next month and then maybe, if you are very good, smiling boy may fix your problem." "Why dont you fix it?" "Because they have taken away my fixing permissions and now I am a lowly plebian user just like you! I am only allowed to put computers onto desks now." Still, once we do go live I am anticipating a lot of un-interrupted Nethack playing time until the screaming becomes so loud that smiling boy has to give me back my admin priveliges. Such is life. Ah well, time for bed, another 16 hour day tomorrow, (that is Father's day in the UK) and we go live monday morning at 0700.

Progress report (or lack thereof)

Mon, 23 May 2005 02:33:44 GMT

Went to work on friday. Managed to do two hours before coming home. Can't work. Shit.

Managed to get a doctors appointment on friday. That was a barrel of laughs. My doctor has buggered off to Pakistan for a months holiday and left a locum in charge. This guy never stops smiling while he malpractices and I got to call him a fucking idiot:

The "Smiling Doctor" Sketch

*Scene Doctor sitting at his desk with a computer. I knock and enter*

Dr. Smiling man: "Sit down please"

Me: "Sorry, I can't sit"

Dr.:"OK, what can I do for you?"

Me:"Can I have a note for work and a prescription for some more Co-Dydramol please?"

* Dr. writes out sick note by hand, giving me 2 more weeks off with 'L.B.P.' and his computer so a prescription prints off*

* Dr hands me note and prescription along with an appointment card for "The Back Clinic"*

Me:"The Back clinic? What's this?"

Dr.: "It's a clinic that will help you with your back pain. You will have exercises and massage."

Me: "Massage? Is that a good idea?"

Dr.:"Oh yes! You will soon be up and about!"

Me(thinking I have entered the twilight zone): "Doc, what's wrong with me?"

Dr.: "You have pain in your lower back."

Me: "Yeah, I got LBP as Lower Back Pain but what's causing it?"

Dr.: "Oh, probably a trapped nerve or a pulled muscle."

Me: "Doc, I have a broken coccyx!"

Dr.: "Oh no, it just a trapped nerve. Nothing to worry about!"

Me.: "Doc, can you save your game of quake and get up my medical records on your computer!"

Dr.: "I have your records here!"

Me: "Well try fucking reading them! I had x-rays at Good Hope hospital and they confirmed I had a broken coccyx. My usual doctor has been treating me for a broken coccyx for the last three weeks"

*Dr. reads through my medical records*

Dr.: "Ah yes, you have fractured coccyx. You need to rest as much as possible"

Me: "So you dont want me to come to the back clinic and get a massage then?"

Dr.: "Oh no. Just rest as much as possible.

Me: "You are a fucking idiot!"

*Slams door on the way out*

still moaning.

Thu, 19 May 2005 19:52:21 GMT

Still here. Still got a sore arse. Still got to go to work tomorrow. Yay! Woo! parTAY! :o( Mind you i'm not compleyely dis-chuffed about going back to work - I have gone through my DVD book and vid collection over the past 3 weeks. Day-time TV is nausiatingly soul-destroying; I now know more about ovarian cysts and dealing with menopause than I ever wanted to. It is only a matter of time before I either throw a brick at the telly or open an artery!

In other news, the excellent suggestion by NOLAWitch's mate regarding the shaped cushion with the hole has paid major dividends. I can now sit with reasonable comfort for short periods of time before my legs go numb. However, after checking out the prices of them I nearly fell through the floor. The cheapest I could find was 20 quid and was little more than a child's rubber ring. Then the missus for once in her life came up with a stellar idea: "Why not use an inner tube off one of the kid's bikes?" Not wishing to deprive the kids of their cycling pleasure I poddle off to Halfords and for the princely sum of three pounds and ninety-nine pence I buy myself a 16 x 1.75 inner tube. I inflate it to 3/4 and then fold it in half and tape the two halves together. This works like a bloody charm! Cheers to NOLA's mate for being clever and Cheers to NOLA for suggesting it! :o)

Uh-oh!

Wed, 13 Apr 2005 12:25:11 GMT

First off a bit of background: My company's lease to their building runs oun in about 2 months. They are not going to renew it - instead they are taking another lease on a completely different building a couple of miles away. We are going to have totally brand new kit - servers and workstations. The buying of this kit is being done at our head office in Maidstone and the kit is then being shipped up here for me to set up.

Just received an e-mail from the big boss "dahn sahf". He says "Hey, Gary! I want you to have a long weekend this week! For free! So you are nice and refreshed for when we start shipping the new kit up for you to set up".

Why do I have this irrational feeling of abject terror in the pit of my stomach? Methinks this long weekend is going to be a substitute for all of the other coming weekends I am going to miss 'cos i'm going to be flogging my bollocks off at work.

"Ooh crumbs!" as Penfold would say. :o(

More meme-age

Fri, 08 Apr 2005 14:30:02 GMT

(shamelessly stolen from Trinity Quasar)

That's more like it! Rock! :o)

Classic rock! Without you the other genres
wouldn't exist! You are the raw and original
sound of rock! Other genres may try to imitate
your rawness, but they can never be like you!

What genre of rock are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

What the kentucky fried FUCK??!?!?

Thu, 07 Apr 2005 12:49:44 GMT

OK, so I am not the most politically-correct protester chained to the fence at Greenham Common. I'm a white, middle-aged dad who grew up with Alf Garnett, Benny Hill and It Aint Half Hot Mum. I have been known to laugh at jokes with racist or sexist undertones. Hell, I even found some of Bernard Manning's material funny. Once.

I stumbled upon this page while surfing. OK it's a bog standard web page - two girls trying to start a singing career. Shit, my two daughters both enjoy singing and they have a modicum of talent. Maybe in a few years time I would possibly set up a similar site to promote their singing.

It is normal right up until the very bottom line. Like a clock chiming 13 we read: "We must secure the existence of our people and a future for white children"

"Eh?!?" thinks I. I click the "Biographies" link. Not much there, just pics.

I click the "lyrics" ling and look at the lyrics to the first song. There's that clock chiming 13 again. The lyrics are just wrong!

I go back and click the Guestbook link. The first thing I notice is that there is a section called "opposing views" which contains nearly 300 MORE posts than all the other sections put together. Naturally I head for it and start reading. Fuck me with the rough end of a ragman's trumpet but they've got some fucking sick racist hate-spewing fuckpigs right there! I spent an hour of my life reading that shit and now I feel like I have been swimming in a cesspit. It's not the fact that these warped bastards actually exist (tho' IMO the world would be a far better place without them) it's the fact that they are using two innocent children to front their poisonous hatred that gets right on my tits.

Bastards.